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there's still a lot of tension here though. my stomach churns just sitting here typing as quietly as i can. i listen to MAX since they are one of the few groups i feel give me good luck and can make me happy. but i fear leaving my room since my mother will not be in the right state of mind. hopefully, she expelled her anger to the point that she grew tired. and hopefully, she did nothing irrational (though it's questionable at this point what her limits are). still i won't leave my room for a while. maybe until the morning. i feel like little Anne Frank locked up somewhere as the Nazi's patrolled looking for Jews to exterminate. my mom has always been frightening. when i was little, i had become afraid of the movie Raiders of the Lost Ark (because of the ending and despite the hype from my other friends). my mom had bought a comic book which showed that cruel ending of the Nazi's burning from God's Wrath, and that had been permanently etched into me as a major fear. however, whenever i would screw up or anger my mom, she'd threaten me with saying she'd make Belloq's eyes glow in the dark from that comic book. being extremely young, naive and small, i'd believe her. yet that memory had haunted me even until now. i can't ever watch the ending. i'll read about it but i'm forever afraid of seeing it because my mom had instilled into me the fear of God in her own metaphor. i don't know if all parents are like this, but i've felt my mom has always had a natural penchant for psychological warfare against myself and my father. i feel she's greatly to blame as well for the near demise of my father. her character is incredibly dark, foreboding, kinda reminding me of the mother from Psycho. my friends often felt creeped out whenever i invited them over. my friend kris even remarked that when he came over once, my mom was and has always been in the same position, on the couch, watching TV with the same expression on her face. can you see why i'm a little freaky myself? i've attempted to negate her terrible personality by surrounding myself with people who are unlike her. i don't want this irrational bitterness to exist in my heart and soul, this constant regret i know she eternally feels for all the mistakes in her life. honestly, i should be more fucked up than i am. i ought to be one of these people bombing the white house or doing some other traversity to the world. somehow i'm not. the bitterness does exist, but not the will to actually do it. somehow i've built up enough of a consciousness, and a sense of responsibility towards society where i've learned to vent my anger in a constructive fashion (i.e. here). i wish my mom would do the same. my mom is purely destructive and self-destructive in nature. i have to escape from this place under all circumstances.