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Since my vacation in May back in LA, I've felt differently since coming back to Tokyo.  One time, I had an incredible amount of enthusiasm for the bright lights, big city atmosphere of one of the liveliest cities in the world.  These days that enthusiasm is little more than the ashes of a dying cigarette on the ground, stomped out by social pressure here.

After one week of coming back, I immediately felt tired, worn out, depressed and apathetic.  My legs mimicked what my mind and heart felt as I would trek up the steep hill towards the train station on a daily basis.  It didn't matter what time I arrived at work.  In my mind, I am still in LA at home.

What made things worse was that I received little fanfare for my return.  It's not like I'm a celebrity, but many of my so-called friends hardly contact me anymore, unless they want something from me.  Back at home I spent quite a bit of money buying omiyage for people, but I received little appreciation.  Matter of fact, my endeavors in Japan are just that: no appreciation.  People say they respect me, but I don't feel that way.  I feel the word respect can be interpolated with jealousy for their own lack of ambition, talent, knowledge, work ethic, and skills.

Also, work recently has been an incredible drag.  I've been trying to start up an English conversation exchange program.  However, my generous offerings have been met with criticism and loathing.  Again, are people jealous that I'm being pro-active and attempt to use maliciously typical passive-aggressive Japanese behavior to halt my endeavors?  I felt that there were attempts within the office to stifle my progress, probably because certain people on top want to retain the Japanese environment and hence control over their already overworked minions.

Since coming to the office, people have often being trying to "force" me to change.  It's terrible for me above all else because of my ethnicity.  They require me to conform since I'm Japanese in ethnicity.  However, my days as a heavy metal rebel and former follower of Ayn Rand impel me to do otherwise.  Not to mention that I understand what these people are doing socially.

But nevertheless, I figure in the end that it won't matter what company I switch to in Japan because that element of social pressure will constantly be against me.  I remember talking to a friend about how a Japanese woman had graduated with an engineering degree from Stanford University and started work for Sun Microsystems Japan.  She was completely mistreated, given meaningless assignments despite the fact that she had a great education.  Eventually, she left as she guessed that her co-workers were jealous and had done things to ensure she would not succeed. 

I'm seeing this at my current office as well. It's interesting because recently my application got a nice news press from our strategic partners.  Suddenly, there was a re-organization.  My new boss started laying down the law, even accusing me of having bugs in my system.  I could see that my success suddenly demonstrated that I had this potential to rupture the company, especially considering that I had almost all the knowledge in the product.  Now, they want to apparently "share" this responsibility with me.  But to me it's kinda obvious that the intention is to strip me of my duties and give it, once again, to lesser people.

While I'm certain this is not a Japanese exclusive thing, the way it's going about is rather discomforting.  The other thing that bothers me is that I don't really get the credit I deserve for all the work I've done for this.  But I realize that it's a ploy so that I won't be eligible to receive a raise during the next review session while the upper management bask in the coffers.

Fortunately, my other coworkers had already provided me a preview of the political mess that's going on.  But I figured that this is just how inefficiently many Japanese companies operate under the surface.  The long hours are a futile attempt to mask the fact that they cannot accomplish the unthinkable and that most places are going to do the same thing regardless out here. 

Furthermore, I believe that this country honestly has little hope for the future.  My theory of how the older generations were able to pad their retirement plans are definitely more concrete.  The old people here simply slave the younger people into their deaths, driving them crazy for their own entertainment.  While in the states social security benefits are a problem highlighted along with poor medical care and higher death rates at earlier ages, Japan's older population continue to get older with no signs of leaving.  Kids though hardly get paid out here and the rising cost of living make being in Japan nearly impossible for anyone not in finance or some other major money making industry.

But all signs point to the fact that Japan just isn't worth living here anymore.  All the myths perpetuated by Western (and Japanese of course) culture are more or less Orientalism from Edward Said's terminology.  People are fascinated by this "Othering" of the culture and fetishize the lifestyle.  But when you really live here, you get to know a different reality.

In my case, the reality is that I will never be treated like a white nor black foreigner.  I'm treated as a misfit of society, one that needs to be swept under the carpet, only to rise up when it benefits a certain few.  For instance, my company has not even given me one business card yet, despite the fact that I'm in a senior engineering position.  I'm not allowed to meet clients unless they're English speaking.  And once (here's the killer), when they introduced me to the Asian Pacific head, one of the senior managers had spoken a lie about my actual position in terms of what I did.  I recognized that he lied because it was obvious that the local region was not following what HQ wanted.  I wanted to consider myself akin to a super weapon, like a ninja hax0r, but really I'm just a tool, like a trusty power drill.  Of course, I'm not allowed to power myself on so it's even worse because I know how to drill holes better than most people in the office.

Regardless, I think that for the most part, I just won't receive the respect and recognition I've worked hard to get here.  In fact, I think people will at every opportunity attempt to put me down because I know better than they do.  That's a cold hard fact.

That only leaves relationships.  Well, I think even that's a moot point these days.  The women here for the most part are disloyal, selfish, childish, st00pid and need a good whacking.  I no longer see any reason to fight a lost cause.  I'm not saying all of them are like this, but the majority that I meet are just disappointing to say the least.  If I exclusively used the viewpoint of the Western world to describe their state, it would be "messed up beyond comprehension."  But people who respect culture and those in Japan would argue simply, "Hey, that's their (our) culture!  You can't condemn them (us) like that!"

Well, I just did.

In short, I just don't think it's worth being here anymore.  The US is quite messed up and probably will stay in that state regardless of who gets elected this November for another 2-3 years.  There's nothing short term that anyone can do to quickly fix the numerous messes that the government, big businesses, law makers, corporate lobbyists, SUV hogs, etc. have all done to the country.  But I do know this: from the last mess, Google rose from the ashes and resurrected the ailing tech industry with hope that the web is still a hugely viable area of business.  Unlike the Japanese (and here's the crucial point), Americans are flexible, creative and willing enough to do something when push comes to shove.  And they tend to do something (for better or worse) far faster than the people in Japan.

So what next?

Well, I'm already looking for something in the states.  Hopefully, a position that'll help me relocate.  I've got a lot of projects that people are asking me to help them on, so there's definitely no shortage of, at the minimum, volunteer work.

Also, in terms of relationships, well I do know a few of my Japanese friends are moving out there or living in the states.  So maybe I can be patient with one or two and see how somethings goes?  Besides, I have the key advantage once I go back to my hometown.

Yeah, after writing this I'm pretty convinced that this is the correct route.  No sense to waste anymore time out here when there's clearly little to no benefit.