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Hereafter, I will firmly, perpetually and disrespectfully denounce the barbarism of today's event as Ape Roid Ball Day. I've never been a fan of Ape Roid Ball day and never will be under all circumstances. At one time in my life, I attempted to discern the gorilla-like gesticulations involved in these events when I would partake in my (loser) school's games. However, the constant dissatisfaction of subsequent losses impaired me permanently and endured within me an unhealing scar that blisters even at the suggestion of the said event.

Obviously, I am not an athlete and never will pronounce myself as one. I proudly describe myself as unathletic and even athletically challenged. There isn't any hope in hell outside of a complete brain transfusion into someone physically superior this regard of me ever resembling anything close to a competitive athlete. And I honestly never will care in the remainder of my existence (hopefully implying future existences if reincarnation is possible) for such endeavors. Nor am I jealous of those that have such abilities. Quite the contrary. I do admire most people in this area simply because it is something I cannot nor will not ever do.

However, Ape Roid Ball serves an entirely different classification, which my favorite all time comedian, George Carlin, had metaphorically welded indefinitely shut when he compared baseball to football. In my enlightenment, he described the warlike vernacular and disposition involved in Ape Roid Ball. Being someone with cognitive abilities to recognize the similarities in beliefs, I naturally concurred with his assessment. Not only do I agree, but I further that such activities aid in the continual de-evolution of the human species into a primordial being. As one who denounces the plunge of mental capacity that seems to be ongoing in humanity, I simply shrug my head and weep as my hope for this world diminishes.

That said, there are some keen benefits exposed through this day which I would like to share:

• No traffic
• No one at the restaurant except for women (and non-Americans; I saw mostly REAL asians/FOBs)

Mostl importantly, the realization that today is the perfect day for an invasion of any sort.  Think about it. All the male species from America firmly locked away in their homes, attached to couches, the remote and alcohol. If a bomb hit, no one, and I mean NO ONE, would be able to defend themselves because all the guys would not be able to discern the bomb from their best friend's chili fart. Matter of fact, that bomb probably would clear up the raunchy defecation residing in the bathroom at this very moment. In their vastly inebriated state, most of the male species would have zero capability to react, instead falling over themselves and hurling. It would take at least a full day prior to these people recovering, which is quite enough time for an invasion to properly identify any dangerous targets and neutralize them.

More than that, I suspect that no man here would even desire to leave their couch. The media has successfully told people to stay put effectively for a full day, especially the most important period....the Half Time Show. That, my invader friends, is the coup de grad. You need not aim at these people directly. Just for their implements of destruction. However, I must forewarn you to not disable the actual event itself, nor the advertisements and everything that goes with it. All sports bars, super markets, liquor stores, etc. MUST be kept in tact for a proper invasion to occur. If you assault any of these areas, the fury will be quadrupled. If anything, you should send your spies to infiltrate these zones to discount food and drinks to prices such that one of man's deadly sins quickly emerges to help aid you in your victory. Don't worry about vegetables, fruits or anything healthy though. All effort must be directed to charcoal, grease, gas, artery burgers, aorta dogs, sickeningly fatty cheeses, and condiments. After all, you won't need to do a thing since these people, who lack any guile, will realize what they are doing to themselves already.

However, if  your tactics are not thorough, then beware the following day. As soon as these hordes of testosterone filled maniacs get word of your assault, you will face a barrage that can snuff the life out of the solar system. For these people will utilize biological warfare accumulated from the previous day's felicity. Yes, chili beer farts and the complete intoxication of the ocean will provide such an ecological disaster that you wish you had not invoked. More than that, these odoriferous chunks of satirical virility will hobble on their vehicles of lazy boy recliners and iPad devices where they troll you to death through inane bickerings and nauseous levels of verbosity that certainly will drain any intelligence if translated (or if you naturally can understand them). If you are captured somehow, you will be subjected to the direct radius of their effervescence. But they will savagely leave you alive physically at a minimum level through forcing you to imbibe similar morsels that have generated these obese monstrosities until you too resemble and feel as though you have conformed into a similar visage.

When all hope is indeed lost and you attempt suicide for mercy's sake, you will be denied as this country villanizes such acts. However, in your attempt, you barely survive and the clergy will plead mercy. In the end, you will remain a quadriplegic without speech, subjugated to watch endless hours of Jersey Shore and other horrid reality TV shows when in fact you should've either been more thorough in your act or realizing that using all your hatred in a constructive manner to build a space probe to Mars is a far more fruitful affair than assailing a country with witless ogres.